White Christmas

I have been lax with the blog updates, which I do apologise for. We have moved from Bedford-Stuyvesant (Bed-Stuy) to Williamsburg. In Sydney terms, it is like going from “Mino” (no t needed) to a Newtown-esque Paddington. Coolly detached, young peacocks strut around flaunting their plumage of designer flannel, clear spectacles and immaculately groomed beards. This is mecca for posers, hipsters and tortured artists. Wanker central. Suffice to say, I love it here and feel a kinship with each one of my post-modern brethren.

As Christmas draws near, I can reflect on six months of ‘properly’ living in the USA. While I would love to wax lyrical about the home of the free, I have bowed to my OCD tendencies and decided to list my top five pros and cons of American life.

Pros

Food

Truly New York is the melting pot for cuisine. Ruiz and I plan to enjoy Christmas dinner at a restaurant called Greenwich Grill, where we will be feasting upon Italian/Japanese fusion. Classic Christmas fare. The portions are enormous, all budgets are catered for and they have more options than Ryan Gosling on RSVP.com. [Ed- While proofreading this manuscript, Ruiz asked “Is Ryan Gosling on RSVP?” She then asserted that she needed to use the computer. Pronto.]

Public Transport

In a city where it seems that no one we know owns a car (sample size of seven), the subway is the easiest and cheapest way to travel. Sure, there are drawbacks. The platforms are perilously narrow, commuters draw dangerously close to the tracks as they navigate the warren of subway transfers. The underground reeks of piss but the upside balances it out. There is a non-stop procession of bucket drummers, break dancing crews, barbershop quartets and general crazies who spice up every ride. The subways are prompt and reliable. And, where else but New York would this happen? 

Alcohol

If you want to get hammered, then New York is the place for you. The low cost, free-pour, seemingly endless happy hours and blatant disregard for anything close to a RSA policy ensures that a cheap night out can be had by all and sundry (though your ID will be thoroughly checked, a process known as being ‘carded’). However, a word of warning: we have underestimated the potency of this combination, and paid the price. The hangovers that follow are as welcome as Alan Jones at the next Gillard family reunion.

People

The myth of the Ugly American is patently untrue. We have been constantly amazed by how polite and helpful the seppos have been to us. Admittedly, they have struggled to decipher my clipped strine, which has resulted in one disastrous haircut where the opposite of what I requested occurred. Seriously, I looked like Nudge from Hey Dad…

instead of my normal dapper self…

The repercussions of not being able to finish colonizing the New World linger to this day.

Clothes

Approximately sixty seconds in any store will make you realize how much of a rip off shopping in Australia is. The range, quality and price are second to none. In addition, they cater for larger humans like myself. Where else but America would a 6”2’ 200lb man be classified as medium? USA! USA! USA! [fist pumping]. As a self confessed show-pony, the joy of shopping in New York is only matched by Ruiz honouring my birthday wish to stop regaling me with her seemingly endless cycle of puzzling dreams. Amazing! Another dream where you are fighting someone? Please elaborate…

Cons

Food

It seems strange to share top billing on both lists but the processed nature of the food here is unbelievable. You can get things like “cheese-like food” and “ham-like food”, which are neither cheese nor ham. The amount of preservatives and artificial elements included in every food source means that bread can be left on the counter for two weeks and not spoil. Also disappointing is the Asian food here which, with the rare exception, is ridiculously greasy, bland and overpriced. The longings for Cabramatta and Eastwood grow stronger as the months fly by.

Public restrooms

In a city of more than 8 million (and that's not even counting the illegal latino contingent), it is amazing that they have concluded that six public toilets will suffice. Any outing that Ruiz and I undertake involves her asking me “Do you have to go?” like a deranged kindergarten teacher. I maintain that it is good training for her for motherhood. She takes the view that I need to eat less bran.

Recycling

It seems to be a middle class hobby or a novelty like the vuvuzuela . If there is one lesson that the USA can take from Australia is that we are exceptional at finding new uses for rubbish. Ask Israel Folau of Melbourne Storm, GWS Giants, NSW Waratahs fame. Shit, we even got Danni Minogue a gig after YTT, it might have been Australia’s Got Talent but it got her out of the house.

Sarcasm and Irony

Essentially, they do not play in New York. As a result, I constantly give the impression of being an arrogant, offensive prick. Ruiz says that travel reveals your true nature.

Coffee

‘Nuff said.

Ruiz and I can look back on a whirlwind start to our New York odyssey with a sense of achievement. In the next month or so we will be braving the Manhattan real-estate circus and looking for apartments. Horror stories are sure to abound. We look forward to sharing them with you in the new year. Merry Christmas. We are thinking of you all and wish you a wonderful 2013.

ps: A special congratulations to our cousins Sooz and Leo on the birth of their gorgeous twins Mya and Jimmy. We are so happy for you all! xx