Invasion of the Gum Leaf Mafia

Things have been really heating up in New York over the summer as the temperature rises and bakes the concrete jungle. The only things hotter than our apartment at 3.30pm are Carlos Danger’s Instagram account, Stuart Broad’s outside edge and Henry Cavil’s shirtless scenes in Superman [Ed: Hottie alert!]. The rise in Farenheit has coincided with the influx of summer visitors at Chez Connors.

Jane Connors conquered her fear of air travel with the help of prescription medication and free flowing airline vino to pay us visit in early June.  Her grandiose boast to complete a Hot Dog Tour of the city both began and ended with a late night visit to the Shake Shack in Madison Square Park on the night she arrived.  She told me that it was a non-core promise.

She was most impressed with Carrie’s stoop in the West Village, the Seinfeld diner in the Upper West Side and the Law and Order steps at the courthouse downtown.  Jane left her mark on the city as she is possibly the fastest walker ever to have graced the Big Apple, comfortably outstripping a busy New Yorker's pace with her long strides and determined attitude. It was like watching Usain Bolt racing pre-schoolers as she weaved her way down 5^th Avenue to try on yet another pair of denim shorts. She fell in love with Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where the hipster, artsy scene appealed to her gypsy sensibilities. If initial reports are to be believed, she is already planning a return trip next summer. We'd love to have you back, kiddo.

Paulie Evans dropped in on us for a week during the Fourth of July celebrations. Dr. Evans had been mixing with the intelligentsia at a conference in Rochester, where he will take up residency next year. It will be great to have a great friend so close to us. He will also help revive our famous Belmore St rendition of Salt N Peppa’s  “Push it”, as Natalie’s dancing talents do not lend themselves to hip-hop vibe that Paulie and I are renowned for. While out and about in Manhattan, he was warmly received at The Eagle , where he danced the night away. Paulie was vague on the evening but from his description I would imagine that the following occurred: 

Paulie also managed to tick an item from his bucket list when we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge on a scorching hot day.  He fought through his blisters and Ruiz’s shoe collapsing to complete a journey every bit as epic as Frodo’s to Mordor. In our defence, we did not have a fellowship of nine assisting in our quest, so I think ours was definitely the tougher challenge.

We celebrated Natalie’s 28^th birthday for the umpteenth time on the 19^th of July. The highlight of the day was the surprise arrival of her sister Tania. Natalie was completely unaware of Tania’s plans and was speechless to see her standing in our living room/dining room/hallway /library/etc. The only person I have seen that has come close to Natalie’s level of incomprehension and incredulity is Shane Watson after the result of yet another failed DRS lbw review has gone against him.

Natalie was impressed by my ability to keep mum on Tania’s visit, as Tania and I had been conspiring for over three months. As I told her, that was just one of the many secrets that I keep from her. I said that Don Draper is not just a fashion icon to me, he also is a role model. Natalie then asked: did that mean she was my second wife and that my entire existence was based on false premises and an elaborate cover up of an unsavoury past? I must admit that I hate it when she uses her logic to puncture my fantasies. [Ed: Is my husband the only one who perpetuates a self delusion that Don Draper is based on him? Anyone? #headcase]

The Ruiz reunion proved to be a tour de force of cocktail consumption, with the sisters testing the stamina of the very best of Manhattan’s bartenders and the limits of their own livers’ regenerative powers. Tania’s non-cocktail related highlight of her trip was being singled out to be serenaded by a barber shop quartet on the subway to Brooklyn. Their version of My Girl by the Temptations was uplifting and capped off a wonderful week, full of laughter, memories and numerous pisco sours. [Ed: Love you!! xx]

In other news, Natalie’s star continues to rise as she has now been given a team to oversee as a result of her solid output and winning ways. She has researched the topic of leadership and management thoroughly and has established her philosophy on the topic. She talks about KPIs and developing synergy and a host of other buzz phrases. I have full faith in my wonderful wife to make a roaring success of this new challenge. However, I don’t think it will be too long before her true colours emerge and her staff have to deal with episodes like this:

Just before signing off, we would like to extend our congratulations to Snowdon and Rani on their recent engagement. I’m still recovering my sight from the F-Off diamond Rani was sporting in our Skype chat. Well done on raising the bar. Congrats and loads of hugs to Rodolphe and Jaqi on the birth of their beautiful daughter, Gabrielle, we’re over the moon for you! We’d also like to send a get-well message to my fitness consigliere, Jonathon Andrews, who has been dealing with some health issues but will soon bounce back to true form. Here’s a photo of us in happier times to aid your recovery:

Manhattan Chronicles (or The time when Nat spoke to Jay-Z for two seconds and wouldn’t shut up about it. Yes, it really happened. Don’t ask.)

 

As they say in New York, no news is good news. Summer has arrived. We have been quietly establishing ourselves in our new neighbourhood – the aptly named Turtle Bay. We are one block away from the East River, near Roosevelt Island.

Our building is on a cherry-blossom tree-lined E52nd St, which is quite close to the United Nations. We are on the same street as the Consulate General of Thailand, Consulate General of Hungary and the Austrian Cultural Forum. Also, across the road from us is a Norwegian Church, which looks suspiciously like a regular apartment building.

We are in what is known as a “full-service” building. This means that we have a doorman, whose sole purpose is to open the door and greet us as we enter and exit the building, convenient in many regards. In addition to providing smooth passage onto 52^nd street, I personally also use the revolving cavalcade of doormen (who are primarily of Latino extraction) as an excellent opportunity to practice my Spanish. Jose says that I am improving.  La lluvia en España se mantiene principalmente en la llanura.

We continue to furnish our apartment, which means more furniture shopping trips. Natalie relishes every opportunity to compare, examine, and after much deliberation, eventually purchase lampshades, salad bowls and cushions. Her attitude towards our IKEA visits is best summarized by this:

 

 

Mine is more like this:

We have ordered a blue tufted couch, which is still making its way to us from Canada, after 6 weeks in transit. “Any day now...” Ruiz keeps mumbling to herself.  We still have no curtains or blinds, which means I happily get to satisfy all of my exhibitionist urges, of which, let’s be honest, there are many. However, being on the 8^th floor, we don’t really fear any spying from nosey neighbours, much to my chagrin. As I tell Ruiz, I’m just trying to give something back.

The Connors household will soon be undergoing a reshuffle as I have recently acquired my American personal training qualifications. As a result, I officially begin the process of interviewing for positions. I will be attempting to convince potential employers to hire me based my outstanding client results, commitment to excellence and my claim that I invented the chin up. This means that Natalie can no longer expect to have me fussing over her steak dinner when she returns from a hard day at work. So she can say goodbye to this:

(Ed: It is remarkable how when you cross the Pacific your appearance in photos change. Connors calls it the Kravitz syndrome. He assures me the research is legit and has been peer reviewed.)

As I mentioned, Natalie has been working very long hours and she spends many a reluctant “networking” night with her co-workers. Through her new friends, we have been lucky enough to be introduced to some of the finest refreshment establishments NYC has to offer. The hidden bar/speakeasy phenomenon requires all sorts of secret handshakes, “Get-Smart” style false doors and special rituals to be observed before gaining access to the most lethal cocktails known to mankind. Often, Nat has come home “networked” out of her brain, usually in a feisty mood. When I was tardy making her midnight snack of two-minute noodles, she referred to me as a “shit particle”. Haven’t made the same mistake again.

In addition to channeling my inner Betty Draper and studying for my exam I have utilized my time to view several documentaries on Netflix. In keeping with my Aspergers tendencies I will rank my top five:

5. Going Big

The story of the 1984 NBA draft, where Sam Bowie was selected second ahead of the G.O.A.T., Michael Jordan.

4. Jiro Dreams of Sushi

A compelling story of one man’s quest for perfection.

3. Cocaine Cowboys

The film explores the rise of cocaine and resulting crime epidemic that swept Miami, Florida in the 1970s and 1980s.

2. The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975

A chronological approach to the civil rights movement, the Black Panthers and related phenomenon.

1. Dear Zachary A beautifully edited tragedy that leaves you emotionally exhausted.
  

We are preparing ourselves for an Australian influx for the summer, highlighted by the visit of Jane Connors in June. I can only pity the person she is seated next to on the plane as there would have been calmer passengers on the Hindenberg. Too soon?

We have been fortunate to spend time with our good friends Trent and Rebecca who recently had an extended stay in the States. When I asked Trent what the highlight of his trip was, he pondered for a second and spoke at length about the various museums he had visited, concerts he attended and the rich cultural tapestry that weaves throughout New York. Yet, when ultimately pressed, he answered: “The titties at burlesque night at Bathtub Gin.” A true Renaissance man!

Our plans for the summer are as follows:

I am investigating the possibility of joining a softball team, with the modest aim of hitting every pitch for a home run. Natalie has warned me about hubris, but I said I don't care - I play the ball, not the man.

Natalie has made no definite plans, as she is waiting to hear from her new imaginary best friend Jay-Z as to what they'll do this summer. She dreams of sipping Grey Goose at the 40/40 Club in the VIP section. *shakes head ruefully* I'm not going to be the one to break it to her.

We want to offer our belated congratulations to Pachi and Maria Rodriguez on the birth of Nicholas. We are also so proud of JB and Renee for their most recent addition, Sofia.

Goodbye Brooklyn, Hello Manhattan

Ruiz and I enjoyed our New York Christmas, although with the separation of church and state we were reminded that “Happy Holidays” is the politically correct greeting. Seeking to smooth our passage into Heaven we went to Christmas Eve midnight mass at our local church in Bed-Stuy. (That's Bedford-Stuyvesant for those playing at home).

The mass featured performances by numerous school children as they acted out the birth of Christ and performed as a choir of angels, resplendent in tinsel halos and paper mache wings. Despite their sartorial efforts, the children’s choir was so inept they could have been used as one of the teaser ads in Australian Idol, designed to showcase the (hilariously) misguided ambitions of select hapless contestants. The crowning glory came when three oversized teenage girls, who had stuffed themselves into white leotards, performed a liturgical dance for the congregation. This proved too much for Ruiz who erupted in fits of laughter while the trio of Moby Dicks flailed around. I nudged her disapprovingly, remarking that this was most inappropriate behavior for church, until she reminded me of the time I chose to make it rain while placing the offering in the collection place. Word.

After our souls were suitably lifted, we were able to enjoy a typical Brooklyn Christmas. We watched our adopted team, the Brooklyn Nets, lose to the Boston Celtics. Even a foot long hotdog could not diminish the rage Ruiz had for Avery Johnson, the Nets’ Head Coach. Ruiz attributed his firing a week later to her Incan powers (Have you guys seen Apocalypto?). We rounded off the evening of the 25th with a 7-course degustation at Greenwich Grill, a Tokyo-Italian fusion restaurant in Tribeca. Five stars. 

We celebrated the new year with friends, who hosted a dinner party at their place in Brooklyn. The highlight of the night was an impromptu worldwide Eurovision contest at the dinner table, featuring guest teams representing opposing countries such as the USA, Germany, Turkey and the UK. Teams took turns to pick a song from their country to be judged by the audience. Song choices from the Temper Trap, Goyte and Empire of the Sun had us well in the lead. We are proud to report that Australia emerged victorious on the back of a strategic trade with the UK. We were prepared to classify Kylie Minogue as British, provided they also took Peter Andre. That sealed their doom and ensured bragging rights to the Antipodes.

2013 has treated us well so far, with a major milestone being reached in January. We are finally making the leap of faith from Brooklyn to the Big League. We have signed a one-year lease for an apartment in the Upper East Side in Manhattan. The good news is we can now offer you a (cramped, but free) place to stay in Manhattan. Come and visit! Book early to avoid disappointment! Also note: Applicants who come bearing gifts can be assured of preferential treatment.

The process for securing an apartment is quite different to Australia, as you have to earn 45 times the rent per year individually to even get the application form, and once you do, you are subjected to the infamous “credit check”. How do you get a good credit rating? You get a credit card! How do you get a credit card? By having a good credit rating! – you can see where this is going. Once those (relatively) small hurdles are overcome, you can literally construct a new wall in the apartment if you like and modify the space to your heart’s content. We move in on Feb 1. Let the renovations begin.

This new development has sent Ruiz into a decorating frenzy. She now scours the net for furniture bargains and is obsessed with throws, ottomans, prints and shelving options. Sadly for me, it has meant several (tedious) trips to various furniture stores and trekking out to IKEA in Red Hook [Ed: And accompanying temper tantrums from one of us, no points for guessing who...]. On the upside, the allure of IKEA’s 50 cent hotdogs is not yet lost on me, so I can see more sodium erythorbrate and pork trimmings in my future as Ruiz attempts to feather the nest. Photographs to come.

Last but not least for this post: Congratulations to my favourite man-child Nobby and his eternally patient wife Laura, who welcomed their daughter Poppy into the world on December 24^th. Nobby’s breathless description of the birth as “epic” made me smile. Thankfully she looks like her mother, which bodes well for her chances of future happiness. Well done, guys!